I’ve seen a lot of Facebook postings from Gold Star Moms lately indicating that I am not the only one having a difficult time right now. For some it’s the anniversary date of their child’s death, for others it’s the fact that Mother’s Day is just around the corner. Maybe it’s for no reason at all. Whatever the cause, a lot of us moms seem to have heavy hearts right now.
The thing is, losing a child, although an adult, is not something you ever “get over”, no matter how much time passes. You progress and move forward, but the loss is part of every minute of every day. You just learn how to deal with it and accept it as “normal”. On this journey, the Lord has blessed me and provided me with the most incredible support network. I know I never have to carry this burden alone.But for some reason right now, I want to carry it. For some reason I want to feel the pain, the loss, and the grief.
My son was killed in a massive fiery explosion. If I could fully comprehend what really happened to him, I don’t think I could survive. God loves us so much that He protects us, takes the pain for us, and surrounds us with others to help carry the heavy load. I have relied on that; God’s love, His blessings, His people. I have been able to focus on the good that came, and continues to come from something so horrible. But right now I don’t want to be strong. I want to cry and I want to feel the pain.
In experiencing these feelings, I felt as though I was letting God and people down. After all He has done in our life and the lives of others, choosing to take the pain seems like an insult in light of all God has done. I also have a “reputation” to uphold. I have been strong and I’ve given the Lord the credit for the strength I have. But right now I just don’t want to be strong. But giving into grief makes me feel guilty.
Last night I had a brief visit with a friend who had no idea how I was feeling. During our conversation, she suddenly turned and looked directly into my eyes, took ahold of my arm and said “it’s okay to cry”. She went on to remind me that Jesus wept, and that the bible doesn’t say we shouldn’t cry when we are sad. It was as though through my friend, God gave me permission to indulge in my pain for a while. It’s okay that I don’t always feel strong and it’s okay to grieve the loss of my precious son.
So for now I’m spending a lot of time at the cemetery, hanging out there, reading, studying, crying, or taking afternoon naps on my son’s grave, or doing whatever makes me feel the emotions I need to feel right now. After a time, I will hand it all back to God for the load would be too much to bear if I kept it for very long.
I’m grateful that a friend with no knowledge of my turmoil, helped me understand that God knew my struggles. He cared enough to make sure I knew it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to cry.
